Ladies Against Women …On Censorship

Why can’t we get away from this pernicious dependency on big government and take responsibility for censoring ourselves?

(Whipped up during the Decency Act dust-up in 1995. Now, now. Act decent!)

Download and silently install the See No Evil self-blinding plug-in today… the perfect gift for your local cash-strapped school or library.

Self-Censorship ABC’s: 

-  A: We have long been alarmed that there is a three letter body part word starting with “A” which ought to be considered as a four letter word. This problem in character length might make our proposed Lady Chip falter in its rude-body-part proofing of the World Slender Web which can save us by eliminating all four-character expressions.

We call for immediate spelling reform to meet the four-letter word simpler-censor-filter guidelines. Perhaps the addition of a final and silent “P” to remind us of the snake-like danger of indecent words will bring this term into compliance. (However, “P” is in and of itself a corrupting and problematic letter, so a LAW committee is studying alternate proposals to the ASSP Initiative.)

Illiteracy is the only armor against filthy words!

-  B:  We find the technical aspects of this Web technology quite alarming, and even the little codes behind the pages insidious. If you look under “developers,” thinking about hair coloring, you may find little markings with “br” in them. The use of the little code “br” is quite suggestive of ladies’ underthings… Whoever invented this code should have his mind washed out with a nice floral-scented soap.

(Upon later edit: 20 years later the HTML code underlying web pages is different, but the “br” code can still be found, conjuring images or lacy underthings. For shame! We also object to the “embed” code, since it could encourage Internetters to take one another to bed.)

-  C: Seeing is believing, and looking away is never good enough. If you don’t have the manners to censor yourself, ask someone near you to swiftly stifle anything unusual you might accidentally say or create.

C is also for Computers, which are not suitable for girls. Alas, they have an input device which is far too similar to a typewriter, a machine long considered safe for ladies so long as they received dictation.

We call for immediate research into the creation of a male-only computational data input device, something better than a fingerprint or retina scan — a biometric key that ladies would simply not have on their persons. It is often said that many men post with their privilege-sticks already, so the transition should be seamless. Please, please, however, post no pictures of the design plans! That visual diagram would interfere with our essential quest for a visually safe, totally child-proof America — mandated all over the globe.

When in doubt, avert eyes and pressure Congress!

(Composed during the epic debate over the “Decency Act“)


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This entry was posted on April 9, 1995. Bookmark the permalink.